5 Things You Can Do To Support Firefighters

As the tragedy in the Back Bay of Boston has shown us, the brave men and women from all firehouses go into dangerous situations daily and sometimes give the ultimate sacrifice. When these tragedies occur, which includes the wildfires in Arizona last year, as well as many others, the community responds with great admiration and dedication through the sadness. But how can you support them year round? 1-Talk positively about them: When I hear residents of our country, as well as others, complain about firefighters, it makes me sick to my stomach. Sure, just like any other occupation, there are some "bad apples". Please do not spoil the whole bunch in your head. Most firefighters who don't see this work as a way of life are usually weeded out within the first years. Sometimes it makes the news, just like the tragedies, but how many successes are exposed? Not many. You'll see a dramatic rescue here or there, but their success rate is probably in the 99% range. Where is the talk about these accomplishments? Remember, what you don't hear about is because the men and women in firehouses are doing their job in an admirable and accomplished way. 2-Thank them...daily: these guys never ask for thanks, but they deserve them. They'll say it's nothing but it takes dedication and heart to do what they do. The ultimate sacrifice is one thing, but what about all other sacrifices they do regularly, including time with their family, friends, missing holidays (FYI...there is no holiday for these guys and gals), their sleep patterns, and also their willingness to answer all calls the exact same way: with enthusiasm and wanting to do the right thing. How many of us do this or know people in other fields that do this daily? 3-Make sure their budget is adequate: The firefighters have been one of the hardest hit professions in municipal, town, city, state, and federal budgets in the past 10 years. When these cuts occur, this stresses a system that has already been pretty stretched. We take their willingness to do what they do for granted and that they'll "deal with it". And they do, but at what price? Longer shifts, less firefighters to do the same job. Do not take these cuts lightly. They are cuts that we should all fight for the essential services they provide. 4-Join a Critical Incident Stress Management or any debriefing team: The firefighters will always count on their brothers and sisters for support but we can make a difference. These debriefing teams can and will support firefighters in their time of need and help them get through these difficult times. This last tragedy happened in Boston but it affected many (if not all) firehouses in this country. Joining these teams is helpful, as they will train you on how to support them in time of crisis and help them cope with these losses. For more info: http://icisf.org/ or http://cisresponse.com/ 5-Give to memorial funds: For this latest tragedy, a Lieutenant Walsh - Firefighter Kennedy Memorial Fund has been created at https://www.bosfirecu.com/ and I encourage everyone to give a few dollars for their kids and families. They took care of us when we needed them, let's take care of them after their sacrifices. Other funds (including for the Arizona firefighters) can be found at http://firehero.org/yarnellhill/. Giving generously to funds may seem simple but it means so much to the families and the brotherhood of firefighters. It is important to think of the financial stress this can put on families. 5 ways, which one(s) will you choose?

The "Right" Emotion

In counseling, we often here different assessments of emotions. One that I have heard more frequently in the last few weeks is how some emotions are better or "more right" than others.

I hear about it in different contexts. The first one is "What is the right emotion?" Let's look at this in the grieving process. The "correct" emotion according to many is sadness. We have no right to be angry, right? I challenge this by saying "Why not?". Elizabeth Kubler-Ross discussed the 5 stages of grief and included anger. While I don't completely agree with the stages of grief, I do believe there is more than one emotion that is acceptable or "right". Going through this "sequence" of emotions is not only healthy but probably a way to adjust to this loss.

When someone "wrongs" you or when they are "obviously", why would the only "right" emotion be anger? We see this in various situations: when we are driving, when we are disagreeing with "moral" issues, as well as politics, the workplace, and in our close relationships. While anger is probably very normal, Buddhists beliefs state that displaying an emotion of compassion and even sadness is probably ideal. This sounds probably counter-intuitive, but think about it: if we were able to use empathy and caring for what someone else believes/states/does, wouldn't this frustrating situation feel a whole lot easier to accept?

I also think that CBT is again one of the best theory to explain the distortion stated in the title. One of these cognitive distortions is emotional reasoning. This distortion states that if you feel a certain way, it must be true and, therefore, it is the ultimate truth. Any other emotions must be wrong. Looking at this objectively, have you "always" been right in your emotions? Think about it: the anger you have felt has sometimes felt out of place, right? What about your happiness about an event when it affects other people? We may argue that our emotion is right, but thinking it through is important.

You must also look at labeling as the other cognitive distortion involved in this "right emotion" concept. Related to overgeneralization, when we label a situation that can be emotionally charged a certain way, may make it difficult to change our view of our emotion. It makes our view of our situation feel "righteous" and also less flexible to change.

Emotions are tricky, as they emerge from the primitive part of our brain, the amygdala, which in animals, controls the "love-hate" reaction to any particular stimulus. Thankfully, in humans, we have a large cerebral cortex which helps us process emotions and situations in a more analytical way. When it comes to these types of extreme emotions, I try to work on perception and how they can be wrong. When I have individuals who struggle with that, I like to show them a Dali, an Escher, or an optical illusion to demonstrate the importance of seeing things differently.

Is there a right emotion? I still don't know the answer to that question. We can only hope to validate that many emotions are acceptable in any given situation.

Treatment Philosophy, Part 2

I wanted to add a few notes about my treatment. I believe that you got to meet people where they are at. What I mean by this is that if a person is motivated for change, we are going to talk about ways to change right now. If a person is unsure, then you work on  motivating them and see if they do want to change. The one thing I will not address immediately is past trauma. Why? I think it is irresponsible to work on it right away. You must develop skills and be sure that a person is ready to go there and have the tools to recuperate from discussing trauma. Therapy is only an hour a week but dealing with past trauma goes beyond the hour meeting. Give skills in order for the person to deal with possible thoughts about the trauma when the therapist is not there.
One of the first lessons I got from one of my favorite clients is that you must be real. People have been lied to, told stories, made promises, and had guarantees made to them in the past. Most of them turned out to be untrue or filled with conditions or "but"s. I think being as real as possible is what makes therapeutic alliances last. I am who I am and that is OK. I have some faults and I will always say that if I make only one or two mistakes in a day, that is an awesome day. We all make mistakes and we need to be honest about it. I expect that you will not come in perfect and I got to admit my mistakes when I make them. One of my favorite quotes from that same client is the following: "We can smell a phony a mile away". For the record, I still see this client in counseling.
If you read my blog, I disclose some information. I don't mind you knowing that. I also don't mind personal questions. I think they can be appropriate at times. I always remember the statement of one of my favorite singer. She said: "There is a difference between secrecy and privacy". Secrecy implies you have something to hide. Privacy is just normal stuff that is not kept secret, just some information that are private. If you ask me if I have a cat, why would that be secret or private? If you ask me where I live, well that is private. It's a line that can be blurry but I think that showing transparency improves the relationship with the clients. Making it about me, well that is wrong. I don't think everything about me should be secret but there are certain things that are private.
I also believe in the expression of emotions. Most people avoid certain emotions, especially some that are perceive as negative. I tell people to live their emotions, every one of them, as long as they do it appropriately. What I find is I have to facilitate the expression of these emotions. I think that if you live your emotions, you will feel more fulfill, more complete, and less repressed. I also like to make people feel uncomfortable. If you are having therapy and you are comfortable and you feel your therapist is on your side, you may not be getting everything you can from your therapist. I challenge, ask difficult questions, and make you feel like this is hard work. I think you need to challenge every client in order to earn your keep so to speak. Most of my clients appreciate it...eventually.