The "Right" Emotion

In counseling, we often here different assessments of emotions. One that I have heard more frequently in the last few weeks is how some emotions are better or "more right" than others.

I hear about it in different contexts. The first one is "What is the right emotion?" Let's look at this in the grieving process. The "correct" emotion according to many is sadness. We have no right to be angry, right? I challenge this by saying "Why not?". Elizabeth Kubler-Ross discussed the 5 stages of grief and included anger. While I don't completely agree with the stages of grief, I do believe there is more than one emotion that is acceptable or "right". Going through this "sequence" of emotions is not only healthy but probably a way to adjust to this loss.

When someone "wrongs" you or when they are "obviously", why would the only "right" emotion be anger? We see this in various situations: when we are driving, when we are disagreeing with "moral" issues, as well as politics, the workplace, and in our close relationships. While anger is probably very normal, Buddhists beliefs state that displaying an emotion of compassion and even sadness is probably ideal. This sounds probably counter-intuitive, but think about it: if we were able to use empathy and caring for what someone else believes/states/does, wouldn't this frustrating situation feel a whole lot easier to accept?

I also think that CBT is again one of the best theory to explain the distortion stated in the title. One of these cognitive distortions is emotional reasoning. This distortion states that if you feel a certain way, it must be true and, therefore, it is the ultimate truth. Any other emotions must be wrong. Looking at this objectively, have you "always" been right in your emotions? Think about it: the anger you have felt has sometimes felt out of place, right? What about your happiness about an event when it affects other people? We may argue that our emotion is right, but thinking it through is important.

You must also look at labeling as the other cognitive distortion involved in this "right emotion" concept. Related to overgeneralization, when we label a situation that can be emotionally charged a certain way, may make it difficult to change our view of our emotion. It makes our view of our situation feel "righteous" and also less flexible to change.

Emotions are tricky, as they emerge from the primitive part of our brain, the amygdala, which in animals, controls the "love-hate" reaction to any particular stimulus. Thankfully, in humans, we have a large cerebral cortex which helps us process emotions and situations in a more analytical way. When it comes to these types of extreme emotions, I try to work on perception and how they can be wrong. When I have individuals who struggle with that, I like to show them a Dali, an Escher, or an optical illusion to demonstrate the importance of seeing things differently.

Is there a right emotion? I still don't know the answer to that question. We can only hope to validate that many emotions are acceptable in any given situation.